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The mysterious organization known as al Qaida is much like a schizophrenic riddle wrapped in an enigma with a knock-knock joke thrown in for good measure. Fortunately for Americans, there are numerous neoconservative experts on al Qaida and related subjects such as Islam, Arabs and Islamofascism. Without these experts, Americans would be clueless about al Qaida.

We are informed that al Qaida wishes to establish a global caliphate, yet they have no navy or air force. They don't even have long-range missiles or tanks. However, we know how clever these maniacal terrorists are. For those with knowledge of Arab culture, it is no stretch to conclude that they most likely have flying carpets and magic lamps thereby eliminating the need for a conventional military in order to take over the world.

Experts on al Qaida know that the Islamofascists want to turn the clock back 1,200 years and it is conventional wisdom within talk radio circles that these primitive Muslims live in caves and ride horses or camels. Yet, everyone knows they all have computers and technical knowledge of biological and nuclear weapons.

It may seem unusual that cave-dwellers have internet service. However, I have read many articles about secret al Qaida websites that only the government knows about. It has also been widely reported that al Qaida uses servers located in America to host their secret websites. Apparently, these crafty Arabs are using some sort of secret ancient technology to access the internet so that they can download bomb-making instructions and watch Osama videos as they plan terror attacks in chat rooms.

It would seem that because the government monitors these secret al Qaida websites and chat rooms that they might have some clue as to who and where these terrorists are. It would also seem that since the government often shuts down child pornography websites and arrests the operators, they would be able to shut down the al Qaida websites and arrest the terrorists. But, these enigmatic Islamofascists obviously have the ability to trick the FBI, CIA and NSA - possibly through the use of magic lamps.

The al Qaida terrorists are also very clever about hiding their motivations. For example, they repeatedly say they hate us because of the policies of America. They claim that they want the U.S. to get out of the Mideast and to quit supporting Israel. But, as any al Qaida expert will tell you, they actually hate America's freedom. Americans can be thankful that our neoconservative intellectuals have seen through this deceptive ploy and have devised a strategy to thwart the evil-doers.

Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has hoped that President Bush would waste resources on changing American policies in the Mideast, but instead the President has decided to eliminate freedom in America in order to demoralize al Qaida by removing their true source of hatred.

President Bush has managed to stay one step ahead of Osama in the war on terror. For example, he has managed to make steady progress in the central battle against al Qaida in Iraq using a simple tactic. By fighting the terrorists in Iraq, Bush has prevented al Qaida from waging their evil war in America and by not withdrawing U.S. troops, al Qaida has been unable to follow them back to America. Apparently, the 7th century maps used by al Qaida do not show the U.S., leaving the evil terrorists uncertain as to the exact location of America.

America has already won the war in Iraq for all essential purposes, but some defeatists in America want to cut and run - even though there are hundreds of al Qaida members remaining in Iraq. However, cooler heads have prevailed against the hysterical pro-terrorist types. The real debate in America is over how many U.S. troops should remain in Iraq once the last member of al Qaida is captured or killed. The clever Iraqis have even assisted Bush by convincing wobbly Americans to keep troops in Iraq until the job is completely finished.

The tricky Iraqis have convinced Americans of the need to continue providing security in Iraq by playing dumb. We know that these Arabs are capable of designing and manufacuring advanced weapons of mass destruction and then hiding them from inspectors. They even tried to cover this up by not using these weapons when America invaded Iraq. We know that the Iraqi army was able to hold their own for eight years against Iran during the Iraq-Iran war. Yet, despite years of training by America's best experts, the Iraqis now pretend to be unable to provide security in their own country.

Indeed, Americans should be grateful for all the neoconservative think tanks that revealed the secret inner workings of the Arab mind and the clever strategies of al Qaida. After all, who would have guessed that the invasion of Iraq would have gone so well? How could the American people have known of Saddam's secret connections to al Qaida or his hidden desires to give radical Muslims his nuclear weapons? It should be obvious to all that if it weren't for the neoconservatives, al Qaida would have already taken over the world.

This article contributed by Tom Blanton of Richmond, Virginia.