I pledge allegience to the fear
of the United States of Amerika,
and to the Republicrats who control
our lives, one global super-state,
with paranoia and loathing for all
They say the world is a dangerous place and Americans have much to fear. Your life is in constant danger from mysterious outside forces as well as your fellow citizens. They may look like you, but according to some pundits, they want to destroy the nation, take away your rights, and corrupt your soul. They might be psycho meth freaks who want to kill you for a few pennies or they may be satanic murderers who will kill you just for kicks.
Americans are not safe anywhere at any time, according to some talking heads. Forget about leaving the country. The cruise ships are staffed by thugs from the Russian mafia that will get you drunk and throw you overboard. Don't even think about flying - the other passengers are terrorists armed with box cutters and shoe bombs.
Even if you could safely get to another country, sexual predators will slip you drugs and kill you - after having their way with you. If the sex pirates don't get you, terrorists will kidnap you. After torturing you, they will cut off your head.
The safest place is in your own home, assuming you have covered all windows with plastic sheets and duct tape. This is the only way you can survive the constant threat of biological or chemical weapons. You should also have rubber gloves to handle mail contaminated with anthrax spores.
Of course, simple plastic sheeting will not protect you in the event the mad dictator of a failed state passes off nuclear weapons to terrorists. You will probably die when terrorists nuke cities all over America after smuggling 13 suitcase nukes in from across the Mexican border. Terrorists are most likely smuggling in dirty bombs everyday and are just waiting for Osama Junior to activate their secret jihad cells using a secret hand signal that will be broadcast on CNN.
In the event you must leave your home, be sure to wear a kevlar vest and a helmet. Crazed addicts stoned on gateway drugs may try to shoot you and steal your cash in order to buy drugs that are stronger than the ones they are currently taking.
The helmet will also protect you from bird droppings that carry the deadly bird flu as well as head injuries due to baseball bat wielding hate criminals or auto accidents. For more protection against anthrax, bird flu, SARS, and poisoned gases, you may wish to invest in a good gas mask.
Republicans and Democrats have much to fear - primarily each other. Democrats fear that a government controlled by Republicans will result in the genocide of minorities, the starvation of the poor and elderly, millions of deaths from pollution, and summer temperatures of 150 degrees.
Republicans fear that a government run by Democrats will result in daily terrorist attacks, the elimination of the middle class, the banning of Christianity, and the murder of millions of babies.
Republicans and Democrats fear each other so much that both groups believe the only way they can be safe is if their group has total control over the government. These groups embrace the concept that if they can win an election with 50.1% of the vote, it entitles them to control the lives of the other 49.9% of those who bothered to vote along with everyone who chose not to vote.
Americans have always loved horror movies - so much that their political cult leaders have transformed American life into what resembles a horror movie. And what a drama it is - mad scientists, torturers, murderers, secret societies, hideous crimes, supernatural conspiracies, mysterious diseases, and various demons, monsters, and killers. Constant fear and suspense.
The horror movies made in Hollywood are pale in comparison to the horror reality show produced in Washington by the all-powerful Imperial Government. The carefully orchestrated drama directed by the government includes not only regular fear alerts and warnings of doom and dread, but the insidious power to destroy lives.
Unlike the horror movies made in Hollywood, the fear and loathing produced in Washington is real. People are maimed, killed, jailed, tortured, bankrupted, and driven mad.
Cabalistic groups operate in secrecy to manipulate the minds of Americans. Evil swindlers use deception and chicanery to rob Americans of their money. Merchants of death bamboozle the public into wars designed to fill their coffers with treasure. Megalomaniacs use stealth and cunning to satisfy their lust for power.
Monster movies from Hollywood may result in a few nightmares for those easily frightened, but they usually end after about two hours. The reality show of fear made in Washington never ends and the nightmares and trepidation are relentless. The scariest thing about this drama is that so many people embrace it.
When a horror movie is too dark, it is easy to walk out of the cinema or cut off the television. It is not so easy to escape from the madness of the government's perpetual horror show.
This article contributed by Tom Blanton of Richmond, Virginia.