It is very unfortunate that the grandest holiday of all, the Fourth of July, comes but once a year. This glorious day, infused with American exceptionalism and the power of pride, is more exhilarating than sex for most patriotic Americans. Independence Day is the one day when ordinary folk can declare their independence from individualism and embrace the collective worship of the all-powerful government.
The Fourth of July is not merely a day off from earning taxable income. It is a celebration of the birth of a new magnificent imperial empire. After all, the Declaration of Independence marked the beginning of our split from the old British empire. No longer do Kings impose their will on Americans. Now, only the 51% of those who choose to vote can impose their will on the people.
Grateful citizens spend one sweltering day in July rejoicing over their good fortune to be Americans as they wave the Chinese-made nylon flag that represents the most powerful empire that ever existed. In a frenzy of patriotism, millions of people pay tribute to themselves and the super-human founding fathers who signed the Declaration of Independence over two centuries ago.
Typical Independence Day rituals in the new empire include eating tube-shaped meat by-products, drinking carbonated alcoholic beverages, and detonating miniature bombs which are illegal in most jurisdictions. Of course, Americans may eat, drink, smoke, or otherwise consume anything they want - unless the all-knowing government has forbidden doing so to protect its subjects from themselves.
It is the freedom that the 900-foot founding fathers bestowed upon America that the citizens are most grateful for and it is this freedom that all foreigners envy - or hate us because of it. In America, people can do whatever they want unless the government has proclaimed they can't. People are also free to not do things they do not wish to do, unless the government requires them to do it.
It almost seems unpatriotic that citizens only celebrate the founding of this glorious empire once a year. We can be thankful that we have wars, elections, taxes, and prisons to remind us of our freedom and collective greatness during the rest of the year.
This article contributed by Tom Blanton of Richmond, Virginia.