I suddenly woke up and was shocked to find myself in a dimly lit voting booth. Invisible voices penetrated the shiny black rubber curtain. I touched the greasy curtain, which seemed to be several inches thick. As the floor became soft, I became keenly aware that time was running out. I knew that I had to vote quickly and leave.
On the mirror above the urinal, there were two names, both identical. There were large red levers, one next to each name. Upon reflection, I realized that I did not truly know who these men were. I think I saw their face once on television.
An intense wave of anxiety sent me reeling into a whirl of panic and desparation. An invisible voice questioned me through the thick black rubber curtain.
"Are you alright, sir?"
I began to sweat profusely and shake.
"Yes........yes," I gasped.
On the ceiling, there was a television aimed directly at me. The face of a very important unknown man appeared on the screen and instructed me to vote. The television man spoke in a very soothing voice.
"You may vote for the lesser of two evils or the evil of two lessers."
Urgency overtook reason and I hastily decided to vote for the first name, which was the same as the second name. What if the levers were mislabeled? When I touched the first red lever, it fell off. Then the second red lever fell off.
I knelt down on the wet floor because it had become too soft to stand on. I crawled out through an opening near the bottom of the booth and found myself in an identical voting booth. A woman stood there motionless. I crawled around her and under the thick black rubber curtain.
I managed to run about a block away from the old gray building before several unknown men tackled me. They took me to a government research facility disguised as an ordinary hospital. I was interrogated for many hours, but I refused to identify myself or answer any of their bizarre questions.
I was injected with some sort of chemical that I suspect was administered to restructure my DNA and, therefore, restructure my thought patterns. The rest of the morning passed quickly as I planned my escape, so that I might exercise my right to vote.
I realized that I must explore the facility in order to formulate an escape plan. However, I was shackled to a metallic pulsating electric mattress and I could not move. After testing the strength of the shackles, I determined that I would be unable to free myself.
I fell asleep for a short time and when I awoke, the shackles were no longer there. I got up, put on my jacket, and left the darkened room through the unlocked door. In the bright hallway, nobody could actually see me. I merely walked through the lobby and left through the front door, undetected.
The sidewalk was located in an unfamiliar part of town. The mood of the pedestrians quickly drained my personality. My stomach knotted up and I began to hyperventilate. My initial response was to attack the mindless zombies. Then, I thought I heard someone call out my name, so I ran. A car horn sounded and another car slammed on brakes. Speed limits kept changing and I was stuck in the middle of a very wide street with no sidewalks.
Suddenly, I found myself on the sidewalk leading to the old gray building filled with voting booths. I looked down and saw that I was wearing someone else's translucent clothing. It was then that I realized that I had lost my wallet, my money, and my keys.
I entered the building and stood in a long line waiting to speak to an elderly man who held a large dusty book. When my turn came up, he asked me my name. I told him and then he attempted to find my name in his book.
"I'm sorry, sir. You are not registered to vote in this precinct."
"Let me see that book, old man!"
I grabbed the book away from the old man's feeble and spotted hands. Then I heard large voices and the sound of wooden furniture scraping the linoleum floor. Some vaguely familiar men appraoched me and there was screaming.
"He's the one who pissed on the floor this morning!"
One of the men apparently had some sort of electronic device that instantly immobilized me, leaving me in a trance state for several hours. When I snapped out of it, I was here again. This is the complete account of remaining memories of election day.
After having spent many hours contemplating the events that transpired that day, I am of the opinion that at some point in time and space, I was subjected to an interdimensional shift, while simultaneously experiencing a reversed alignment with the seventh dimension. These conditions would scientifically explain the thickness of the black rubber curtains, the softening floor, the perception of time shifts, not to mention the translucent clothing.
This article contributed by award winning tabloid journalist Ace Hooligan of Richmond, Virginia.