Tombstone Day in Wankerville is the biggest holiday of the year. The town closes down, military veterans march in the Tombstone Day Parade, and then everyone goes home where friends and family gather to eat meat byproducts seasoned with nitrates and drink beer. When the sun goes down, the town celebrates the Grand Illuminated Decoration Night and a prize is awarded to the home with the best Tombstone Day decorations.
Tombstone Day is a special day for Wankerville because tombstones have been the business of Wankerville for generations. Blessed with huge deposits of granite, generations of Wankers have made a good living making tombstones. Almost every Wanker is employed in some facet of the tombstone industry and as such, funerals and death are regarded as joyous occasions.
There is no somber and reverent observation of the deaths of thousands of soldiers who died protecting the freedom of Americans in foreign nations. In Wankerville, Tombstone Day is a day for celebrating the good fortune of Wankers. Parades, parties, contests, dances, games, and fireworks are what one finds in Wankerville.
The family friendly celebration of war and death draws hundreds of patriotic citizens from neighboring communities who also benefit from the booming tombstone business. Truckers from Nutbush County show up with giant plastic American flags draped over their rigs to symbolize the flag draped coffins of dead soldiers.
One Nutbush businessman who recently expanded his trucking company, Uncle Buck's Trucks, in anticipation of hauling more tombstones, wrote a catchy country tune called Give War A Chance. He sang the ditty through a bullhorn as he drove his best truck in the Wankerville Tombstone Day Parade.
A third generation Wanker named George skipped the parade for the first time in his life to prepare for his family's Tombstone Day picnic and put up his Tombstone Day decorations. He was determined to win the Grand Illuminated Decoration Night contest this year. Business had been good for George, thanks to the current war. The family business, Wankerville TNT Company, sold more dynamite to the granite quarry in the past year than during the past three years combined.
George took some of his profits and invested in the finest Tombstone Day decorations available. He had an inflatable vinyl tombstone made that stood ten feet tall. It took him an hour to inflate the tombstone and when he was finished, you could clearly read the message printed on it - The Power Of Pride. George was proud.
George had borrowed one of the big plastic flags from a trucker friend and placed the giant flag on his roof, visible to all. Then, George put up 4,000 red, white and blue lights on his house. He decorated the front door of his rancher to look like a tombstone, like the rest of his neighbors, and then placed a silver wreath made from aluminum foil on the door.
To make certain he won the Grand Illuminated Decoration Night contest, George took out the plastic nativity scene normally reserved for Christmas and set it up on his carefully manicured lawn. Then, he placed a sign on top of the manger: God Bless Our Troops. Satisfied that his decorations were the finest in Wankerville, George started preparing for the family picnic.
George had invited over 100 friends and relatives to the big cookout and he was ready. He had bought 200 pounds of turkey franks, 40 pounds of corn chips, 2 kegs of beer, and 2 cases of orange soda. He had rented 100 folding chairs and 20 folding tables complete with American flag table clothes. George had even ordered 500 napkins and 200 matching cups all printed with a tombstone that said Peace Never Solved Anything.
Uncle Dick was the first to show up and he brought along an extra grill as he had promised. George expected more guests to start arriving soon, so the men fired up the grills and brought the coolers out to the backyard. Uncle Dick complimented his nephew on the fantastic decorations and careful planning that he had done.
George was a little disappointed that only about 75 people showed up, but that meant there was planty of food for everyone. As the sun went down, the guests started to leave to go on the Grand Illuminated Decoration Night tour. Soon, cars were driving up and down the streets of Wankerville to view the wonderful Tombstone Day decorations and lights.
George and his Uncle Dick stayed behind and drank beer sitting on George's front porch. They waved as people drove by honking their horns. A few people stopped and took a picture of the inflatable vinyl Power Of Pride tombstone. Over the horizon, the men watched the Official Wankerville Fireworks Show.
George and Uncle Dick had the same conversation they had every Tombstone Day. They talked about how fortunate they were to be Wankers, they discussed the glorious wars of the past, and they hoped for new wars in the future. They were interrupted when the phone rang. George went inside to answer it.
Moments later, George sprang out to the porch and told his uncle the good news. He had won the Grand Illuminated Decoration Night contest!
"This is the best Tombstone Day ever, Uncle Dick," George said with a tear in his eye.
This article contributed by Tom Blanton of Richmond, Virginia.