EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a transcription from a bootleg tape labeled An Evening At The Waffle House With Vinnie The Jumper featuring the comedy stylings of Vinnie as he embarks on a new tour of comedy hotspots.
Good evening everybody! My name is Vinnie the Jumper. It's great to be here tonight. I just got out of the hospital again. I've been in and out of there all year, but now they say I'm better.
Don't you hate it when you're ready to get out and then the doctors say they want to keep you another week just for observation? Then you have to work extra hard to convince them you can make it on the outside.
The worst thing about being in the hospital is the attendants. Has anyone else had trouble with these guys?
One night at dinner, I'm standing on the table peeing on everyone and all of a sudden some fat head attendant knocks me down and shoots me up with thorazine. Why didn't he just say he had some drugs for me? It's not like I'm one of those people who hides their meds under their tongues.
Has anyone tried finding a job lately. Man, I've been trying to get a decent day job for several years now. It's tough out there.
My counselor told me I need to take some initiative and be creative about finding a job. So, I go to K-Mart and try to create a position for myself. They don't have greeters like Wal-Mart, so I just started greeting people coming into the store. I figured once they saw what a great job I was doing, they would decide they needed greeters too. The next thing I knew, I'm in a fist fight with some old lady and the cops are spraying me with mace for no reason.
Not only did I not get the job at K-Mart, the cops took me to the hospital and I ended up staying there for six weeks. Apparently, nobody is hiring.
A social worker at the hospital hooked me up with an apartment and a job when I got out and things were going okay for a couple of weeks. I was working at a warehouse unloading trucks and it was pretty cool. I got a lot of free cigarettes and televisions, plus the pay was pretty good.
Then one morning I got up early and took a shower. I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my waist, and a towel around my head. I sat down and then realized I was out of coffee and out of cigarettes. So, I decide to run down to the 7-11 about a block away.
I get to the 7-11 and walk in. Right away there's a cop in there getting hot dogs and he says, "Where are you going towel-head?"
I'm thinking - uh oh, this cop thinks I'm with al Qaida. So, I take off running and the towel around my waist falls off. So, there I am running up and down the aisles of 7-11, buck naked except for the towel on my head, and a cop eating a hot dog is chasing me.
Then an ambulance driver I know came in the store. I yell out, "Bob, tell this cop I'm not a terrorist!"
The cop starts talking with Bob and then Bob comes over and offers to give me a ride.
The next thing I know, they've got me strapped to a board in the back of the ambulance and it's back to the hospital. I ended up losing my job at the warehouse for not showing up.
After I'm discharged, I go back to my apartment and the landlord is hassling me for rent. He tells me I got 30 days to vacate if I don't pay rent. So, here I am back in the job market.
The first thing I notice when I get out is that the CIA has my phone tapped. I'm pretty sure they have me figured as an al Qaida terrorist after the towel-head thing at the 7-11.
I tried calling some friends I'd met in the hospital a while back and everytime some lady comes on the phone and says, "that number is disconnected." I figure the CIA is trying to keep me from contacting my friends.
I'm not dating anyone right now and it gets kind of lonely sitting around the apartment. Until I get a real job, I can't even afford to take any ladies out for burgers - much less pay for sex. So, I've been just picking up the phone and having phone sex with the lady from the CIA. She never says anything, but I think I heard her breathing hard one night.
I'm really looking for more than that in a relationship. I hate it when you just give and give and the other person won't even talk to you.
I've been watching a lot of televisions lately. I've got seven left. I've had to sell a few to make ends meet and I can only get five channels anyway, so it's not like I need seven. But, it's great to be able to watch all five channels at once - that way you don't miss anything.
Has anyone ever noticed how the shows on the different channels are all somehow related? It's almost like there is some kind of secret message. Sometimes all the channels are showing the same thing. Like when the Pope died.
I knew the Pope and he was a pretty nice guy except for when he would get into my bed and start farting. We were on the same ward at the hospital last year. I thought he had moved to Cleveland to live with his mom, but apparently he moved to Rome instead.
Anyway, I've been so busy lately keeping up with all the TV shows and looking for a job that I haven't had much time to write many jokes. I decided to give up my old routine. Most of you probably remember all of my "You might be a transvestite crack whore if..." jokes. I was thinking about doing a bit called "You might be a psycho yuppie serial killer if...", but I could only think of one punchline.
So, I decided I would work on something I am more familiar with. So, here goes a few of my newest jokes.
You might be an al Qaida suspect if they catch you stealing toenail clippers from the drug store next to the bus station.
Can I get a rim shot?
You might be an al Qaida suspect if some weird undercover CIA agent gives you a rectal exam in the bathroom of the bus station and then slips you some marked bills.
You might be an al Qaida suspect if some guy with a turban sits down next to you at the bus station and starts talking to you in a foreign language.
You might be an al Qaida suspect if a cop calls you a towel-head at the 7-11.
You might be an al Qaida suspect if the lady from the CIA who listens to your phone calls hears you yell out "Oh Allah!" when you are having phone sex with her.
Well, my time is up they are telling me. I've had a great time talking to you tonight. You've been a great audience. I'll be performing at the Quick Mart down the street in about 15 minutes and then I'll be at the Hardees next door in about an hour. I hope you can all come and thanks a lot.